Damaged

It's my heart. It's my heart that is damaged so much for stupid reasons. I don't deserve to be miserable or depressed about things that don't even worth my times nor energy nor mind. I dumped myself into a place or more like an emotional realm that actually existed somewhere in me. 

It all began with "Katy Gay Community", googled it and websites pop up. Let me explain a little about being gay. It's so lonely, you cant find someone to talk to, someone to be your friends that you can actually relate to, someone that is going through the same thing as you are, someone that truly understand your feelings. So out of desperation for someone, i found this website on google called Outboard, it is a website for people that ski who are gay and lesbians all around the world, but guess what, people take adventage of that and sign up to just find friends and hook ups. Well of course, i did the same thing since i knew no other websites, and this one actually look trusted. Found tons of people up there, talked to alot of people to and started to develope feelings to some people. It was like the new thing for me, having all these bubly and butterflies in my stomach when i talk to this guy named Ethan who turned out to not really interested in me because of my desperation for his attention. That was my fault for rushing things too fast, only 2 days and bam bam i felt like i needa run to him .Heart broken he turned me down, he ignored me and yup that was it with Ethan, who i thought i could actually meet and start a relationship with. Days went on and i became addicted to this website, i mean it's where i can find hot cute gay guys that i can talk to and relate to like i've been always wanted one . However, it was not how i thought it'd be, i became emotionally destructive, i start to question myself if i was good enough or good looking enough for these people, and is this going to be the same in the real world too ? where everyone will ignore me because i am ........ ugly. The answer truly is NO, i realized this soo many time that this website doesnt do me any good but only destroy my heart, and i know that i am something, i am special and i deserve better than this, but for some strange reason, i keep coming back for more. Being gay is really lonely at around my age, you dont know where to turn to and who to look up to, it is all a mess. Today, Right now, right here, i want to promise myself that, never again will i ever sign up for these websites again anyyy time soon, and start to concentrate on my well being, my life and what reality has to offer instead of tapping my eyes my mind and my emotion to this pointless website that doesn't do me any good. "Life isn't fair, but the way you live it makes a big difference on how you want your life to be. Build a foundation and you'll get the product what you want" .